vulnerability, craft, and the gnawing need for validation
life is strange
or at least the version of it that's sold to us is strange all of life is pretty strange though
I'm always torn between being authentic and myself and letting myself be vulnerable, or just hiding behind an artist alias or a screen name to protect my privacy. Inevitably I start to worry about "branding" and "marketability" because it's so ingrained in me that anything you do as a hobby or do online should be something you try to monetize and build a brand off of because profit is all that matters. Which makes me feel sick. I want recognition and I want validation, but I also don't want to feel exposed or untrue to myself or vile or money hungry. Which is funny, because it's not like I've ever even come close to anything resembling a following or audience. Just another way that the imaginary parasite of social media and hustle culture has infected us. Or at least me.
and yet, here I am. blogging into the void. I'd like to say that it's all because I just want to get my writing out there, and it doesn't matter who sees it. that's not entirely untrue. but I did pay to upgrade here on bear. while part of that is me wanting to show support for a very cool corner of the internet that I came across, there's still that gnawing feeling. what if my blog posts end up on the discover page? and so what if they do, it doesn't amount to anything. I have no dreams or plans to monetize this blog in anyway. I'm being overly cynical and down on myself. I think it's because I'm hungry and have a headache.
the point is, if I ever had one, that I hate that every hobby or creative task that we undertake is met with the idea that it needs to be monetized or turned into a career. but equally I hate that I have a deeply seeded desire for validation and recognition for being good at something. yet I also never want to be perceived or viewed under a microscope. a dichotomy of our modern era and of the aging millennial, I suppose.
xoxo - nik