validation and the fear of being found out
Maybe the issue is that I don't really know what I mean when I say that I want validation. One definition is “the action of making or declaring something legally or officially acceptable.” There’s merit in that definition, even if it’s not exact. There’s an element to being a creative person where you are learning, practicing, honing. But there’s really no point where anyone will come to you and say, “ok, you’re ready now. You’re allowed to call yourself an artist.” I feel that plays a hand in the struggle with validation, because you’re never really sure at what point you cross the threshold from hobbyist to artist to craftsperson. Everyone is on their own journey and art/creativity is such a spectrum. Another definition of validation is “recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings or opinions are valid or worthwhile.” I feel that this is more typically what I think of when I say that I have an unresolved need for validation. Despite my best attempts to seem above it, or that I create purely out of the need to express myself and that I’m some romantic writer who would surely die if I didn’t get words on the page; there’s a part because I want it to be seen. I want others to look at it and say, “wow, now this is something. I connect with this. You’ve clearly poured yourself into this, and are absolutely not wasting your time or life.”
I feel like talking with other artists is such a double edged sword. Though, I'm likely wrong. Especially given that I've never really associated with or had extended conversations with anyone who considers themself to be an artist. Present company excluded. Most of the time when I have encountered another photographer out in the wild, they simply talk to me about the gear I'm using. Which makes sense, it's a safe conversation starter. It's a way to signal that you're sort of in the same club and can relate to the other person.
This sounds so stupid and pretentious, but I'm a multifaceted person. Yes, I love cameras and I enjoy taking photos, and I love expressing myself through those mediums. However, that's not my whole life. I also enjoy clothing, reading, music, etc. For a birthday a number of years ago, a friend got me a really gaudy coffee mug with a camera on it. I appreciated it as a gift and the sentiment, but I don't feel like just because I might call myself a photographer, that I need to preach it outwardly. Similar with writing, I'm not trying to broadcast or signal to everyone around me, "Hey, I'm a writer!" the irony of this being said in a blog is not lost on me. It's just a piece of a whole person. Does that make sense? I have a personal issue with people who let one thing become their entire personality. And there's nuance. Obviously creativity is on a spectrum and manifests in multiple ways. But as a generalized example, I don't like the stereotypical "gym person." The person who only talks about going to the gym, they wear workout clothing everywhere they go, or all of their clothing is plastered in slogans and phrases related to lifting weights or running. I'm not saying that I think less of them, but to me, it just makes me scratch my head a little. It makes me feel like, the gym is not a personality.
This is likely making me sound like a judgmental asshole. And maybe I am, actually. I certainly don't project it outwardly. I'm not trying to make people feel bad for what they enjoy or how they spend their time. I just personally like to feel a little more balanced. I think that's how I would describe it? I still play video games here and there. But you wouldn't catch me wearing any clothing that tells you that or proclaiming to people that I'm a "gamer." This isn't entirely cut and dry. Obviously I'm sure that some aspects of my interests do slip out into my life. I'm sure that the fact that I like to be outside is translated by some articles of clothing that I wear. But even then, I'm not putting stickers on a water bottle that says "I'd rather be hiking" or anything. I guess a better way of putting it is that I don't personally feel the need to be a walking advertisement/billboard for the things that I enjoy and have interests in.
this is all to say, I'm still not entirely sure what validation actually looks like for me. it's such a messy web of mixed emotions and uncertainty. will I ever break free from it? or am I doomed to be consumed by the things I fear?
It's all ephemeral.
xoxo - nik